Why Are You So Much Harder on Yourself Than You Are on Everyone Else?

If a friend came to you and told you they had made a mistake, what would you say?

You might reassure them.

You might remind them that everyone makes mistakes.

You might tell them not to be so hard on themselves.

You might even help them see that what happened doesn't define who they are.

But what happens when you make the mistake?

Would you offer yourself the same kindness?

Or would the conversation in your own head sound very different?

I should have known better.

Why did I do that?

I always get things wrong.

I'm useless.

I should be able to cope with this.

Sometimes, we can be remarkably compassionate towards other people while being incredibly unforgiving towards ourselves.

And I think that is something worth being curious about.

The voice we learn to live with

Most of us have an internal voice that comments on what we do, how we look, how we behave and whether we think we're doing things “well enough”.

Sometimes that voice can motivate us.

But sometimes it becomes harsh.

It might tell us that we should be further ahead in life, that we aren't doing enough, that other people are coping better, or that we ought to have handled something differently.

The difficulty is that, when we've heard that voice for long enough, it can begin to feel like truth.

We may stop questioning it.

We simply assume:

This is what I am like.

I'm too sensitive.

I'm not good enough.

I always mess things up.

Other people seem to manage. Why can't I?

But where did we learn to speak to ourselves this way?

Perhaps self-criticism has a history too

Just as we can carry experiences from childhood into adulthood, we can also carry messages about who we are.

Perhaps you grew up believing that getting things right was important.

Perhaps mistakes were met with criticism.

Perhaps you received lots of praise for achieving, being helpful or being “good”.

Perhaps you learnt that showing vulnerability wasn't welcomed.

Or perhaps nobody explicitly told you that you weren't good enough, but somehow you came to feel that you needed to achieve, please, perform or keep everyone happy in order to feel secure.

These experiences don't automatically explain how someone will feel about themselves as an adult.

But sometimes they can become part of the story we tell ourselves.

And that story can be remarkably difficult to change.

When being hard on yourself feels like being responsible

There is another reason self-criticism can be difficult to let go of.

Sometimes, being hard on ourselves can feel as though we're keeping ourselves accountable.

If I don't criticise myself, I'll become lazy.

If I don't push myself, I'll never achieve anything.

If I let myself off the hook, I'll make the same mistake again.

So kindness towards ourselves can feel strangely uncomfortable.

We may even worry that if we stop being so hard on ourselves, we will somehow become less motivated, less responsible or less successful.

But there is a difference between taking responsibility for something and punishing ourselves for it.

We can acknowledge that we made a mistake without deciding that we are a mistake.

We can recognise something we would like to do differently without telling ourselves that we are fundamentally flawed.

Those may sound like small distinctions, but they can change the way we relate to ourselves.

What if you spoke to yourself differently?

Imagine that someone you cared about came to you feeling exactly as you do.

Would you tell them they were useless?

Would you tell them they should have coped better?

Would you remind them of every mistake they had made?

Probably not.

You might sit with them.

You might listen.

You might help them make sense of what had happened.

You might say:

“I can understand why you're finding this difficult.”

“You made a mistake. That doesn't make you a bad person.”

“You've been dealing with a lot.”

“You don't have to get everything right.”

So what would happen if, just occasionally, you allowed yourself to hear some of those words too?

Not as a way of pretending everything is fine.

Not as an excuse to avoid responsibility.

But as an alternative to constantly being at war with yourself.

Understanding rather than fixing

I think there is a tendency to treat self-criticism as another thing we need to fix.

Stop being negative.

Think positively.

Love yourself.

But sometimes it may be more useful to become curious about it.

When does that critical voice appear?

What does it say?

Whose voice does it sound like?

What are you afraid might happen if you don't listen to it?

What does it seem to be trying to achieve?

And perhaps one of the most interesting questions:

What would it be like if you didn't have to earn your own acceptance?

We don't always need to replace every difficult thought with a positive one.

Sometimes, we can simply begin to notice the difference between being honest with ourselves and being cruel to ourselves.

Perhaps you don't need to become someone else

As a Person-Centred counsellor, I am interested in the person behind the self-criticism.

Not simply “How do we get rid of this negative voice?”, but “What has led you to see yourself in this way?”

Because sometimes, when we understand ourselves more deeply, things that once seemed like personal failings can begin to make a little more sense.

That doesn't mean we have to remain exactly as we are.

It means that change doesn't necessarily have to begin with rejecting ourselves.

Perhaps it can begin with understanding.

And maybe the next time you make a mistake, fall short of your expectations, or simply have a difficult day, you could pause before judging yourself.

Ask yourself:

“If someone I cared about were feeling exactly as I am right now, what would I say to them?”

Then, perhaps, give yourself permission to hear those words too.

You deserve the same compassion you so readily offer to other people.