Grief Isn’t Always About Death: Understanding the Losses We Carry

When we hear the word grief, we often think about the death of someone we love.

We may think about funerals, memories, anniversaries and the painful absence of someone who was once part of our everyday lives. Bereavement is one of the most profound forms of loss we can experience, and grief can affect us in ways we may not always expect.

But grief isn't only about death.

Sometimes we can experience a very real sense of loss when someone is still alive.

A relationship may have changed. Someone may have become distant or estranged. A separation may have brought an important relationship to an end. Perhaps someone we love has changed in ways that mean the relationship we once knew is no longer possible.

And sometimes, we may find ourselves grieving something we hoped for but never had.

These experiences can be difficult to recognise as grief, particularly when there is no clear ending.

Grief after someone dies

When someone dies, there is a physical absence that can be incredibly difficult to adjust to.

There may be an empty chair, a name that no longer appears on your phone, a familiar voice that you can no longer hear. Everyday life can suddenly feel very different.

Grief can bring sadness, anger, loneliness, guilt, confusion and sometimes even relief. It can also bring moments of happiness when we remember something funny or precious, and those moments can sometimes feel uncomfortable too.

There can be an expectation that, as time passes, we should gradually be "getting over it" or returning to normal.

But grief doesn't necessarily work that way.

There may be days when life feels manageable and others when the loss feels painfully close again. A song, a smell, a photograph or an ordinary moment can unexpectedly bring someone back into our thoughts.

This doesn't necessarily mean that we are going backwards.

Perhaps grief isn't something we simply finish. Perhaps, over time, we find different ways of carrying the person and what they meant to us.

Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting

One of the difficult things about grief can be the idea of moving forward.

Sometimes moving forward can almost feel like leaving someone behind.

We might wonder whether it is okay to laugh again, make plans, enjoy ourselves or begin to imagine a future without the person we have lost.

But moving forward doesn't have to mean moving away from the person we loved.

We can carry memories with us while continuing to live. We can miss someone and still experience happiness. We can look back with sadness and still have hope for what lies ahead.

The two things can exist together.

When the person is still alive: ambiguous grief

There is another kind of loss that can be much harder to explain.

Ambiguous grief describes grief associated with a loss that doesn't have the same clarity or finality as death.

The person may still be physically present, but something about the relationship has changed or been lost.

Perhaps you have become estranged from someone you were once very close to. Perhaps a relationship has ended, but the person remains part of your life. Maybe someone has become emotionally unavailable, or circumstances have changed the relationship in ways you never expected.

You may still be able to speak to that person. You may still see them. Other people may look at the situation and think, "But they're still here."

And yet something has been lost.

That can be incredibly painful.

Grieving a relationship that no longer feels the same

Sometimes what we are grieving isn't the person themselves, but the relationship we once had with them.

We might miss the closeness, the conversations, the sense of being understood or the future we once imagined together.

This can be particularly difficult because there may be no funeral, no clear ending and no socially recognised period of mourning.

There can even be a sense that we don't have permission to grieve.

We may question ourselves:

Am I overreacting?

Shouldn't I just accept it?

Why am I still thinking about this when they're still alive?

But the absence of a death doesn't mean the absence of loss.

Grieving what might have been

There are also times when we grieve something that never quite came to be.

Perhaps it is the relationship we wished we could have had with a parent.

Perhaps it is the family life we imagined.

Perhaps it is a friendship that never became what we hoped it would.

Perhaps it is a future we had pictured for ourselves that is no longer possible.

These losses can be particularly difficult because we aren't only grieving what happened. We may also be grieving what we imagined could have happened.

There can be a deep sadness in letting go of a future that existed in our hopes, even if it never existed in reality.

There is no single way to grieve

Whether we are grieving someone who has died or experiencing an ambiguous loss involving someone who is still living, our experience is our own.

There isn't a timetable that tells us when we should be okay.

There isn't a particular order in which feelings have to appear.

And there isn't a requirement to "let go" in order to move forward.

Sometimes moving forward means finding a way to acknowledge what has happened, what has changed and what it has meant to us.

It may mean accepting that something cannot be what we once hoped it would be, while still allowing ourselves to feel the sadness of that loss.

And sometimes, it simply means having somewhere safe to talk about it.

You don't have to have lost someone to experience grief

Grief can be complicated, messy and difficult to explain.

Sometimes the loss is obvious. Sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes other people can see what has happened. Sometimes they can't.

But if something meaningful has been lost, changed or taken away from us, the feelings that follow can still matter.

Perhaps recognising these experiences as grief can be the first step towards being a little more compassionate towards ourselves.

You don't have to justify why a loss hurts.

And you don't have to stop caring in order to move forward.

Sometimes, moving forward is about finding a way to carry what has mattered to us, while gradually making space for the life that is still unfolding.

If you are experiencing a loss that feels difficult to explain or make sense of, counselling can offer a space to explore those feelings at your own pace, without judgement or expectation.

Geri Shafto Therapy

Supporting adults through life's challenges

essexsuffolkcounselling.co.uk